Monthly Archives: June 2017

The Anchored Buoy

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God tells me many great and wonderful things. Sometimes He will tell me that I am “like” something. He’ll point to another aspect of His creation like an animal or a beautiful natural event and then He’ll point to me and say “ you’re like that.” Sometimes they don’t make sense at first. He recently told me I was a woodpecker and I was honestly disappointed. He was telling my sisters they were such grand, beautiful things. I saw a woodpecker as annoying, thanks to good old Woody the Woodpecker. But after a bit of research on this species of bird, it was actually some high praise from my Father. It was actually a message about the strength He gives me and the survivor He made me to be. 

But the other night He told me what my husband and I are like. And I didn’t have to do an internet search to understand it. It immediately resonated with me as the most digestible truth. It had a pleasant aroma and was delicious to taste. . .

We were on our first overnight date as a couple since before my daughter was born. All of these firsts have been hard. But I anticipated this one joyfully – – just as I have every chance to get away with my husband. I had the perfect dress, a few days of some pretty good tanning lotion, and special private night time attire. We would dance and God would bring us back to the breezes that blew in the beginning. We would love and breathe some sighs of relief at some quiet time together. It was to be about joy, romance, love, and reconnection. It was to be about LIFE and not about death.

 And we were doing good. Really great in fact. Until all of a sudden, I felt a sinking feeling in and around me. But it wasn’t exactly all of a sudden. It had begun with the Father Daughter dance at the wedding. I turned to the side and the sinking I had sensed was my husband’s heart. His eyes welled up with love that was so close to rolling down his cheek. I quickly pulled his hand up to mine and squeezed hard. My hand was on top of his hand and my spirit was pulling him up into the air and the light. His hand was on the bottom and He held me firm in the place I needed to be to remain strong.

 Without a strong anchor, the buoy floats about and drifts in the sea. The buoy won’t serve as a boundary for safety or a landmark of any kind without a strong anchor to hold her firm. And what good is a strong anchor if it doesn’t tightly connected to the HOPE of a buoy floating above it. The line between the two of them must stay strong. They must hold the ground they are meant to mark. He grounds me and I am the Hope that floats to mark our place in Gods keeping. He is as silent as the unseen anchor. I am as attention drawing as a big ol’ bright buoy floating in a sea of only water. He must be resilient to hold our territory. I must be a clear picture of the HOPE we are hooked to. 

I would be lost without my anchor. Lost at Sea. He would be lost without the purpose that a buoyant wife provides. What would he do? Would it matter? What would I have to show or tell? Would It matter? And though we be separate, individual unique people – – as different as a buoy is from an anchor. . . we are but one. One heart. One mind. One soul. One hand. And together we serve one purpose and one aim. We have very different needs to be our best. I need more aesthetic attention both physically and spiritually to be good at being a buoy. And He must be constructed of the finest material with great integrity and longevity to be a good anchor. But together, we stand our ground. We are not moved. We help others find their bearings. We mark the territory of the redeemed. . . the place where victory lives. One flesh. One mind. One spirit. We have both had to be restricted in different ways to achieve the oneness that God designs. We have lost nothing. We are a bright shining buoy in deep scary waters anchored by the kind of courage that will not be moved. 

 We’re like that . . . He says. 

 And I agree.

 

 

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Reconciliation Part 2: The Principle of Stewardship

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A thousand times over I have been told to be a good steward. A Good Steward of what I’ve been given. . . Of where I stay. . . Of items that I am using. In the purest sense, a steward is a caretaker. An overseer. Anytime we are asked to care for something that belongs to someone else, we are a steward.  

But what about SOMEONE else? One of the most important truths that paved the way to my reconciliation with God is Gods principle of stewardship. When I asked God to bring me into reconciliation with God, He gave me deep knowledge of two fundamental truths:
1) Each one of us is a child of God
2) We are all stewards of that which belongs to God 
The following is my personal prayer of reconciliation, prayed in the presence of the Tribe of Grace on May 5, 2016:
Father, restore to me our oneness and my unwavering trust in you. I know what I ask for is a miracle but with faith of a mustard seed I boldly ask you to stamp my heart to match yours . . . 

That I be willing, accepting, and illuminated with whatever supernatural power and perspective you can give me. I am running to the roar and will continue to. . . Shatter my desire to evaluate, judge, and validate. Break me and shape me with a wisdom only you can give. Let it be true that nothing separates me from your love. I don’t want to stay there Father. Bring me home to your will and bring my will to your home. 

(AND ALL THE TRIBE SAID AMEN)

I was a steward of her Father. I continue to be a steward of all that you teach through her. A steward of YOUR beloved daughter. And through my exquisite care of her, you were glorified. Help me not to be confused that she was mine. Thank you for letting me be the one to care for your precious child, Ellis. And to love her as my own precious child. We are to be reconciled on that. She is a child of God. I was highly favored and chosen to be her steward on this earth on your behalf.  

(AND ALL THE TRIBE SAID AMEN)

I was such a good steward of her that I loved her like my own. She was so delightful that I will love her like my own for all my days and into eternity. She is your child forever. Just as I am a steward of her and her legacy forever. This is an everlasting call on my life and duty in my heart. I understand that Lord. What is once true for you is always true for you.  

(AND ALL THE TRIBE SAID AMEN and I called to my tribe to pray over this gained territory of Reconciliation to SEAL and BIND UP this TRUTH. . . 

Victory was claimed in this scripture- – )
“For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “YES” in Christ. And so through Him the “amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.” 

2 Corinthians 1:20-22
This time of prayer ended with the Lord’s Prayer which I finally understood for the first time in my life.  
And if I should die before I wake, it is a reconciled child you take. . . 
#EG41 #useEllis2tellus

Hugging Tighter

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This was my post from a year ago as I snuck over to my mother in laws to soak up a little bit of my joy before he took off for a couple of days to camp. 

I’ve always been that mom that races over for a good bye snuggle when they’ve stayed somewhere else and you won’t see them for a couple of days because they are camp bound. But it’s sweeter, I inhale more deeply, mark it in my heart, take no shame in it or its consequences. . . I will be a little late today and it will be A LOT worth it. . . Gager baby I’ve prayed for this first camp experience. . . For your love affair with Jesus to ignite In a way that can’t be extinguished. . . Even for your Dino shaped chicken nuggets and French toast sticks and your buddy grandpa Larry and . . . My momma love , it’s deep and wide. . .#EG 41


So I want you to know that I do it too. That’s right I’m moved to hug my babies a little tighter, a little longer. . . Smell them more deeply. Love them more focused. 

But I also want you to know that it was very painful to see people post these comments in direct relation to my baby dying on social media.   Many people made statements of prayer and support or sorrow and condolences followed by the statement that everyone needed to hug their baby tighter or that they were going to hug their baby tighter that night. 

I share those feelings of gratitude and relief and deep love in times of great shock for other people. I have stopped right where I was and thanked God for my own circumstances before I even ask Him to help them in theirs. This is what I call fleshy and being human. My humanity just is what it is and often I’m glad it is not the dark fate that has found others. 

But I personally will keep my baby clutching and new views of gratitude between myself and my God for the unforseeable future. People don’t need to be reminded of these things. It’s instinct to hold close to your chest what has been ripped away from another. And somewhere the actual mother of the actual dead baby reads that sentiment – – that directive to go hug your baby and hold them close tonight. 

Where are we sending her with those statements?  I know of course. But trust me when I tell you that you do not want to know.   We reach out to eachother on social media and I thank God for that everyday but asking yourself who is in the audience is a very kind question that can lead to more kindness if you let it. And sometimes Kindness is the only thing some people will be able to hug closely to their chest that night. Kindness is everything when you feel you’ve been left with nothing.