Last year the pressure leading up to Mothers Day was intense. The overwhelming sorrow was a bulging Dam that could break anytime. And then there were the dirty little farmers. Mothers Day was actually for them. They should have a smiling momma, happy to receive her bounty. They were alive and they deserved the time and attention that living children were due. They would understand if I moped all day and wept continuously because they are very caring young men. But it would rob them of something. Something magical and memorable. Fun and special. I am still parenting Ellis Grace in many ways but was it fair to give her the whole day? To set any hold in their hearts that somehow she was more important then them?
It was very hostile territory to navigate but my Aunt Debbie threw me a lifeline with an invitation to consider praying about pre- grieving. My mom and I decided to do just that. Last year we went to the grave and we wept and we mourned and we read letters and poured out misplaced dreams and hopes that feel crushed and we poured ourselves out in love sweet love.
And we did that the day before Mother’s Day and we prayed that would be enough. Release enough. Give flight to enough.
And the next day I gave my boys the gift of myself. A mother who was focused and present and fighting to stay their mother in every way she had always been.
I had just enough to claim victory in that. Because I’m not gonna pretend that pre- grieving made it ok to not have my daughter on Mother’s Day. It did not. And I did In fact collapse to intense waves of sorrow and sobbing around bedtime that night. But I carefully consider it as a tool in my arsenal during certain times. Sometimes God does it for me. And then I realize that horrific wave of sadness was a needed release to fully face another kind of battle day.
You can learn about pre-grieving just like I did here:
This was my resolve to accept that invitation last year.
A Time for Everything
I am taking some space and time today to be with my beloved mother. . . And to pre-grieve the Mother’s Day we thought we were going to have. . . The one we wish we could have. . . And the one that we know we are not supposed to have because we trust God and all His gifts.
I am confident that if I were supposed to spend Mothers Day with Ellis Grace, it would have happened in the span of her 41 days. But I am also confident that God in his kindness and His perfect will means for me to have a joyful Mother’s Day with my dirty, little farmers and my own Mothers . . . To remember my JoJo fondly . . . And to be the proud mother of a beautiful daughter . . . So today will be the time to cry. . . To mourn. . . And because there is a time for everything, it’s ok to take time for this. . . Just as it will be a blessing to take joy in tomorrow and to count it all joy along the way. . .
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart;
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-11