This was me a year ago. I don’t know what you see. I see all that it was. I see someone “faking it “until they are “making it.” Which has been just as critical as the actual “making it”for me. I see a woman who tried to run from pain and God lovingly tripped her on the way to the road. I see someone who is hurt and injured but wrapping up her wound anyway. Because she has work to do and doesn’t want to get salt from her sweat in it. Salt in the wound she got trying to run away from pain. The irony of Gods economy.
The only thing grief has consistently stolen from me is my memory. So I don’t remember the details but I remember I was spending the day at my moms. I also remember my mom announcing that she would be watching my best friends baby daughter while my best friend took her other daughter to dance pictures.
Well, that was a whole lot of stuff I was confronted with by loss only. I would never curl hair for dance pictures or smooth out Tutus. No one would need to keep my baby daughter either. Ever. She had the most magical childcare provider ever in the form of my Jesus and His Angels.
So it started hurting pretty bad before they got there and hurt significantly worse after their arrival. I had trouble looking at my beloved Lizzie for want of my own daughter. She was as painful as she was precious. And I decided I had to get out of there.
“I ‘m gonna go for a run” I choked out. “I can’t do this. ” And I stuffed that pain below the lump in my throat. I put it in my rear view mirror. I skipped the warm-up that the drive way usually was and I started jogging away from that pain personified that sat in my mom’s lap.
This would work. This would help. And then it happened. I was tripped and thrown across the gravel driveway until rocks were embedded in my hand and blood ran down my body. I struggled to become upright again. And I didn’t want to go back to the house.
But I had to . . . Because running away from my pain had caused me more hurt and a different kind of pain. I was too physically injured to keep running. And Gods spirit said to my spirit:
It won’t work for you to run away from this. You will only be hurt worse. I’m sorry I have to show you like this but this is the only way you would get it. This is our way. Our dance while you run. You can always run to me and with me. But it won’t work to run away from pain.
I was so angry that He wouldn’t let me escape it and so grateful He was talking to me about it. Getting my attention and directing me. I just didn’t like the way He was pointing to. Crap it was hard. And unfair. And exhausting.
But I got the message loud and clear and I started listening intently and stretching hard to work through it with him. To run to the roar and not away from it. And shortly after I posted that picture above with these words below. . .
His Mercies are New Every Morning
Now I see why we must be compared to soldiers and athletes in training. The enemy would love to see me fall into a pit of depression – never to return to battle. Fight the good fight indeed my brothers and sisters. For me right now that means exercise, sunshine, and as much Godly truth as I can get through whatever form I can get it. I don’t know what it means for you. But I know that you do not fight alone and it is worth the fight no matter what you are fighting.
No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier. 2nd Timothy 2:4
Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Ephesians 6:13
I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. Phillipians 4:13
That was a year ago. But isn’t just like God to make sure I’m in the same battle gear on a similar training course but now healed and raising that hand in worship. . . I’ll answer that question for you. It is just like Him to do that. I better wink and blow a kiss back. He’s flirting with me again. And there is no way I’m running from that.