Monthly Archives: December 2013

A “New” New Year’s Eve. . .

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It is an exciting time in our family. We are expecting a baby in May. This baby is a whisper of Gods Will and plan for our family. This little one has already been the source of such exhilarating joy and surprises that only God could orchestrate. This is my “respectababy” – a gift of wonder and delight gifted to me just two months after I began the journey of intentionally respecting my husband. I will never forget finding out that I was pregnant on the very last day of my brother’s visit just hours before our last dinner date of that visit. This news would not travel thousands of miles over phone and computer. It would be shared over warm candlelight, favorite french cuisine, and the memorable embrace of a rare and treasured hug. I have received many a “soap” note written on my bathroom mirror from my husband through the years. But he would receive his first soap note as an announcement of his very treasured and desired third child. Our parents who are very difficult to surprise would indeed get the surprise of their lives when they opened fortune cookies that read “your family will grow in the coming year.” The confusion of everyone getting the same fortune would give way to the joy of discovery. This was not a random wish for good fortune. For the first time in their lives, this fortune was a very real message about the growing legacy of their families. My cousin “Momma J” who was emotionally “giving birth” (during the birth of her adopted son) while also being physically pregnant would discover in a sweet moment of sisterly secrets that she was not alone in that pregnant state. I was right there with her – in more ways than one.

So I was not a bit surprised when my prenatal ultrasound was scheduled for New Year’s Eve. “Yes”, I thought, “it’s just like God and this baby to pick such a celebratory time for this – the sweetest of “first dates.” I almost giggled out loud with the promise of pure JOY that rose out of my spirit. And then just as quickly as it had appeared,the joy disappeared – – it was swallowed up by fear and darkness. I am ashamed to admit that a nasty little thing called superstition anchored itself near the shores of my heart.

You see, the human experience is also scattered with “bad” days. . . days that are filled with sorrowful moments. .. . days where we cannot see the light that surrounds us because the darkness is overwhelming. . . days that stamp our hearts with sadness that never fades or regret that never subsides. Sometimes these days carry such a presence in our souls that we become aware of them long before they appear on our calendar. Other times, we begin to feel bubbles rise from a spring of sadness or regret. . . and we are not sure why. But after days or hours of quiet reflection our conscience becomes aware that it is indeed one of those “bad” days.

December 31, 2007 is a “bad” day in my heart’s hall of memories. As I just typed this date, my body released some of the pain of that day in tears that roll down my face as I write this. The day was spent at KU medical center. I was there with my family and our four month old baby who wasn’t developing “normally.” The genetics appointment that was scheduled “to rule a number of things out” became a prophecy that was difficult to accept. . . the appointment that started at 10 AM and would “only last an hour” ended as we exited the building into the darkness of evening. . . It was fitting that we left that place and entered the darkness of night because darkness appeared to have dominion in our lives from that point forward. My sweet baby who was weaker and sleepier than most babies resembled a lifeless corpse scattered with the bruises that only come from hours of repeated, unsuccessful blood draws. It was New Year’s Eve. . . my brain and my body were disconnected. . . It was cold. . . It was a Friday. . . It was numbing. . . It was maddening. . . It was a bad day.

So I almost rescheduled this ultrasound appointment because part of my heart protested that this was a bad day. “Oh No! ,” I thought to myself, ” that’s a bad day – bad luck – don’t want to schedule anything medical on that day.” I understand why part of me wanted to believe that the very day itself held power – – why I still struggle with the possibility that “bad ” things can, might, and will happen to me – – and my struggle with the desire to somehow control the forces and power that allow seemingly “bad” days and moments and hours into my existence. After all, His ways are higher than my ways. . . His thoughts higher than my thoughts.

My God thumped on the door of my heart in an instant and He said to me : “You think I scheduled it on this day because it is a day that is hurtful to you? My intention is to heal you not to harm you. I have the power to reclaim this day in your heart as a GOOD day. Won’t you let me? Won’t you trust me? Won’t you rejoice with your family and friends and delight in the miracle I have co-authored with you? Won’t you run to the strong and loving arms of that first born baby of yours ( now a strong boy filled with my Glory) and tell him of this new little miracle? ”

So tomorrow is a GOOD day for our family. It is a little hard to write that because there could be “abnormalities” and “indications for further testing” and scenarios of sorrow I can’t imagine. But we are excited to see the first visions of the rest of our family through the miracle of medical technology. We don’t believe that there are wounds that God cannot heal, wrongs He cannot right, or “bad” days He cannot restore as good and perfect ones. In fact these days that seem “bad” just cannot be what they seem under the control of a God that is entirely Good.

So tomorrow is New Years Eve. I am taking the day off work. I am planning a celebration with people I love. I have purchased a pink ribbon and a blue ribbon. I am excited to tie one of them around my waist after this ultrasound. I am going to meet the lover of my heart and the mate of my soul. . . we are going to pray and hold hands and take a deep breath. . .we are going to delight in the miracle that God has to show us. . . we are going to rest in the fact that God holds all of our days in his Mighty Hand. . .and we will rest there too. . . knowing that we are beloved children of Good and Faithful Father. It will be a good day.